Interseason can be interminable. We’re four weeks in and I’m feeling more sane than I usually do… but the sun is shining and I know that I’ve only got ten days left here.

Living in the mountains is a daily blessing. We’re so grateful of the clean, fresh air, the stunning views and the ability to look down on the cloudy valley below, knowing we don’t have to stay down there too long. But despite living amidst the beauty, it’s all too easy to step into the darkness of ourselves and the transient. And boy is this a transient way of life… nothing teaches you better how to let go and live in the moment.

For five months of the year we dig ourselves out of our apartment buildings and wade through the snow to work, seeing little daylight and even less of the mountains. Then we spend the two mid-summer months – working, again, indoors – shielding from the scorching sun and advising visitors on how best to enjoy these stunning surroundings. The seasonal lifestyle leaves five months to really experience the meadows, peaks and forests.

But of course, there is such thing as too much. When I’m working, all I want is to escape onto one of the mountain paths, turn my back on this crazy tourist-filled town and walk for hours. And when I’m not working a million little jobs surface and the days fill themselves with the usual chores and admin tasks that we don’t have time for during the season.

When the to-do list is complete I find myself bored, so unstimulated by the lack of anything I consider creative or productive that I’m desperate to escape off the mountain, just to get some stimulation, some excitement, some human warmth. Where’s the balance in all of this? Where’s the joy?? I find myself constantly wishing for the something other than what I’m living. The sun and the views and the wild animals aren’t enough to soothe a soul that’s crying in the darkness, a soul lost and confused, unstimulated, unappreciated.

And I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living this life. The on-off-on-off-again has to stop. Because it’s not just my soul that’s suffering, I don’t think this constant flipping between stress and lonliness can be doing my health any good; and of course, if I’m not working, I’m not earning anything.
I know myself well enough now to know that my soul needs me to be engaged in some sort of productive work; that a life of leisure isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been living in this constant state of flux for the past five years, not counting my first winter season and the subsequent year in a London office dreaming of France. I’m 33 and I’m starting to crave something more steady.

I know that stability is a state of mind, I understand that happiness comes in surrender to the inherently changeable nature of the universe, allowing ourselves to be swept along with the tide, rather than bracing ourselves against it. Resistance is a constant theme for me at the moment. What am I resisting? I’m certainly resisting against the life I’ve chosen, a life that I’m not enjoying or appreciating as much as I used to. But I’m also resisting change.

I’m resisting admitting this this isn’t necessarily for me any more. I’m so aware of how blessed I am to live this life that I feel guilty for wanting to change it. For wanting a life more in-tune with the seasons, a pace of life that’s more consistent, less jerky. And with these feelings of guilt and questions about the future I’m left feeling confused, trying not to resent the choices I’ve made in my life and the cold, north-facing apartment, in an empty block, in a town empty of everyone except builders and workmen.

So I’m leaving. Just for a short time. I have a visa for India. I’m going to learn how to become a yoga instructor. Then I’m going to lie on a beach and do a little exploring in Sri Lanka. And then I’m going to London to see my family and stock-up on British essentials like Cadbury’s chocolate and Marmite. This is my plan. I’ll be back just before the season starts, when the town will already be deep in snow (here’s hoping!). I’m going to let the wave of euphoria for the start of the new winter carry me into work, into creating yoga classes, into 2012.

Or, I might just take advantage of that six-month Indian visa, quit my job and stay away. Who knows. Right now the second option is the most tempting but the fact that it would be so easy to stay in India is what’s stopping me. I’ve never been one to take an easy path, I love a challenge and perhaps this is the key for me. The challenges I present myself in this seasonal lifestyle aren’t spread thinly enough. Each season I take on new responsibilities, jobs, commitments… and each interseason they drop away. We’re back to that on-off-on-off-again, the flickering lightbulb of my life.

I really have no solution, only a maze of questions. But just asking the questions is making me feel better. Knowing there are options and possibilities, admitting this is no longer for me, I feel a sense of relief. So, for the next few months I’ll continue to try to ground myself in the healthy daily practices of yoga, reading, writing and photography. No matter where I am in the world, no matter who I’m with, I pray that these little disciplines will keep me on the right track. And I pray in faith, knowing deep in my soul that my prayers have already been answered; it’s just the details that need to be allowed to fall into place.

The photographs accompanying this post were in and around Alpe d’Huez. They show the views along the path from the resort to the Col de Sarenne and the road from Villard Reculas to Huez. For more hikes in the area click here.